Saturday morning I woke up around 6:30am to the email I had been dreading…it was an email from Hawaiian Airlines notifying me that our flights had been cancelled.
I knew it was probably coming when the governor of Hawaii announced that all people arriving to the island would be placed on a 14 day quarantine, but I was still holding out hope that maybe things would miraculously get better in time for our flight.
This cancellation didn’t hit me quite as hard as Italy did, probably because I knew when we booked it that the likelihood of it happening was slim, but I knew it would hit Mark hard. When I told him last week about Hawaiian Airlines announcing they would be cancelling flights, I saw the devastation in his eyes…it was the memory of that look that made me decide immediately upon opening the dreaded email not to tell him right away.
Saturday was the second sunny day in a row Massachusetts had, and I honestly can’t remember the last time that happened. Mark has been so excited to be able to get outside, I couldn’t ruin his day by telling him this.
Mark woke up a few hours after me, sleeping in for the first time in awhile, and woke up well-rested and in a great mood. Add that to the list of reasons why I couldn’t let his day start the same way mine had. Then, as if I wasn’t already sick over this enough, one of the first things he saw online was that Lanikai Brewing, our favorite brewery on Oahu, would be livestreaming yoga on the beach that day. While I appreciate his sharing with me because my yoga practice has been helping me get through all this, I know that his excitement really came because it fueled his excitement to finally be back there in less than a month…shitty timing, huh?
I don’t think I’m doing great right now, but it’s not just for selfish reasons.
Yes, I’m heartbroken over the amount of trips I have had cancelled because of this virus. First Italy, then Travelcon in New Orleans, now Hawaii. I’m not even feeling hopeful that trips I have planned for the fall will happen anymore.
I’ll be honest…I truly don’t know what the future of Vagarious Wanderer is at this point. This is a travel blog, after all. Eventually I’ll be able to get on a plane again, but when? I don’t know when things will get back to normal, and I’m not even sure that “normal” will be what we’re used to when it finally does return. How long can I keep this thing going when I can’t even travel to the next state or town over to create new content to inspire all of you to explore the world around you? Do I turn it into more of a lifestyle blog for the time being? I don’t know. I’m just going to have to follow my gut I guess and write and post what feels right.
But my own personal issues aside, I’m also angry. I have friends with small children that would normally go to daycare if they weren’t forced to be shut down right now…that are still being forced to pay for the month of April! These companies are covered by the state for 50% of their employees’ salaries, overhead costs, unemployment has been upped, and their loans will be relieved at the end of all this…yet they still think it’s okay to charge parents for services they can’t even provide? That just seems criminal! They’re profiting off of these parents that are dealing with enough as it is!
Then there are people who either a.) were trying to sell their homes or b.) were trying to buy a new home, and while now they can still technically do these things, the homes can’t be shown. Can you imagine not renewing a lease because you were planning on buying your own place only to be stuck with either basically being homeless or buying a house site unseen? I understand why open houses and such can’t happen, but that doesn’t take away from my anger.
And don’t get me started with the pain I feel for small businesses…if you want to read about how you can support small businesses, especially Worcester businesses, you can read more about that in last week’s #WorcesterWednesday post here.
Then there are these poor seniors, both college and high school…proms are cancelled. Graduations are cancelled. Your last nights out with your friends while you still have the excuse of being young and dumb…cancelled. My heart breaks for these kids that are missing out on major milestones and things they’ve been looking forward to for years, through no fault of their own. I was the first person in my family to graduate from college…that is a pretty big deal! I couldn’t imagine working my butt off my entire life, with my eye on the prize of walking across that stage to accept my diploma…only to be told that instead of walking in May maybe I can walk in the fall…if at all…
I have a lot to be grateful for, and I know that. I have a lot of friends that are in tougher situations than I am. While Mark’s job isn’t necessarily guaranteed, I’m beyond grateful that mine is. I’m grateful that we have regular access to food and water. I’m grateful for the technology that allows me to stay in contact with people. I’m grateful that we don’t have children to care for that are having their entire routines destroyed. I’m grateful that we don’t have elderly family to care for that we could risk infecting. These things sound so crazy to me…I’m grateful my grandparents aren’t here for me to take care of? What the hell? But it’s true!
No matter how heartbroken or angry I am, if there is one thing this crazy pandemic has taught me it is that I am incredibly blessed to live the life that I live. Things could be so much worse, and I think everyone needs a reminder of that every now and then.
I’m sorry that this isn’t the most positive post…I would like to spread more positivity, but I also think it’s important to be honest right now, and this is my truth at the moment.
It is okay to not be okay.
I’m not okay. The extension of the shelter in place advisory and closure of non-essential businesses is crushing my soul right now in ways I didn’t think possible.
My birthday is next week and I can’t even go for a walk on a beach because those have been closed now, too.
I won’t see my co-workers for at least another month…and it’s already been a month!
My youngest niece is probably going to be walking by the time I can see her again. My future niece or nephew will probably be at least a couple months old by the time it is safe to go meet them.
There’s just a lot of things that can’t happen right now, things I definitely took for granted before all of this.
Zoom and Houseparty have definitely helped, but it’s not quite the same as actually being with your friends and family.
I know there are plenty of you out there that are experiencing similar things, and probably more things. I just want to let you know that you are not alone.
Stay safe and both physically and mentally healthy out there, everyone. I will always be here if any of you need someone to talk to. xx