(You won’t need anymore than 5, trust me)
Disclaimer: This piece is entirely satire. And to my friends who have said any of these things…I still love you dearly and respect the fact that Paris is not for everyone.
I’ve now been to Paris on two separate occasions, once in 2015 and again in 2022, and leading up to both everyone I know that has been to the City of Lights told me how terrible it is and how much they hated it.
Here are all the reasons why you will hate Paris, one of the most visited and beloved cities in the world.
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1. The food is terrible.
French food – bleh! I know that Julia Adolescent woman got famous and all, but I’m pretty sure she was famous for getting wine wasted on TV and not for her actual cooking. How could anyone possibly like anything cooked in butter?!
And croissants? Give me a break! That crunchy, buttery flakiness tastes nothing like what I buy in the grocery store. I’ll spend the $5 at Kroger over the 1.50€ any day.
2. It’s so dirty!
I live in Utopia, and we would never demean ourselves by having trash. Have the French not figured out how to shoot all that waste out into space yet? Seriously can’t believe they consider themselves a developed country…They could really learn a thing or two from cities like New York and Los Angeles.
And the amount of homeless people!!! Shouldn’t they be hidden somewhere? No other city I’ve ever been to has homeless people just lounging in the streets without homes. Have some decency, Paris!
3. The Eiffel Tower is so overrated.
The City of Lights? Yeah, right. All I saw was a giant metal spike with some twinkle lights around it. I could make that same thing with stuff I found at the Dollar Store. Definitely not worth going to see, especially not at night.
And who would waste their money on a ticket to go to the top? What is there to even see? Some buildings? More of these so-called “lights”? Pass.
4. French people are the rudest people in the world.
Ugh, French people! They’re the worst! They are so rude, I can’t believe they don’t fawn all over me. I was especially insulted that they wouldn’t speak to me in English. How dare they treat an important tourist like me in such a manner!
Also, whenever I went to a restaurant they seated me in the general area that I asked to be seated, took my order, then just….let me dine in peace. What is this nonsense?! Don’t they care how my food I haven’t even touched yet is?! DON’T THEY CARE ABOUT ME?!
5. The ornate buildings are completely unnecessary.
I’m just confused how people can say Paris is pretty. What is up with those buildings? Wrought iron details? Delicate elements of gold? Floor to ceiling windows that open out onto little balconies so you can witheringly stare down the rooftops of all your neighbors?
No thank you. I’ll stick with my brutalist architecture.
How ya doin’? Hangin’ in there? I know, I know, you’re probably canceling that flight you had booked and shredding your bucket list that had the audacity to include Paris on it. You’ll be okay. At least you read this first and didn’t actually make the mistake of going there, right?